


Thing's I Hate (Myself)

by Enbies_Committing_Felonies



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Bisexual Sokka (Avatar), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Sokka/Zuko (Avatar), Gay Zuko (Avatar), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sokka (Avatar) Needs a Hug, Zuko gives him a whole-ass cuddle, my boy sokka is in PainTM, no beta. we die like my sleep schedule, oh my god there's only one bed, there's only one bed, zukka - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 23:53:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28733763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enbies_Committing_Felonies/pseuds/Enbies_Committing_Felonies
Summary: Sokka was done. He was done being the only one who consistently failed and dragged everyone else down. He was done with making people laugh being the only worthwhile thing about him. He just wished he could stop existing.ORSokka decides that he's a failure and almost freezes because of it. Zuko shows up.
Relationships: Aang/Katara (Avatar), Minor or Background Relationship(s), Sokka & Zuko (Avatar), Sokka/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 127





	Thing's I Hate (Myself)

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know exactly what warnings to use, but there's a lot of swearing and self-destructive things in this oneshot so be aware of your boundaries please.

Sokka was done. He was done being the only one who consistently failed and dragged everyone else down. He was done with making people laugh being the only worthwhile thing about him. He just wished he could stop existing.

He kicked his foot against the floor of the hunting shack he was pacing in, grimacing at himself. He had planned on hunting, but had gotten to his halfway hut and decided against it. Maybe he should stay away from the pitying eyes in the village for a little bit.

“I HATE THIS!!” He screamed as he slammed a fist into the wall of his hut, crumpling as the despair took over and a jolt of pain slithered up through his elbow, jarring his shoulder and making the back of his eyes sting. Vaguely he wondered if his hand would be bruised once he took his thick mittens off, then he decided he didn’t care. He gave another scream of frustration, leaning his back against the wall he had abused and then pulling his knees up to his chest and letting his head fall back against the ice.

Burning tears welled-up beneath his tightly-shut eyes, and he contemplated rubbing them away before deciding it was too late. He was a mistake; a fucking screw-up who never did enough. He clenched his teeth so hard he hoped his jaw would shatter and he felt his chest tightening and boiling like he was a volcano ready to burst.

The first tears slipped down hot and fast, and he shoved a mittened hand into his mouth and bit down as he began to sob, choking breaths getting sucked in between heaves. And, he screamed. He screamed for all the things he never did, and for all the things he did that were wrong. He screamed and choked and sobbed, and he was sure that if he wasn’t wearing mittens his teeth would leave scars across his hands but he didn’t care. In fact, he deserved the scars. He deserved the pain.

His body shook with sobs, and he felt snot dripping from his nose and mixing with the saliva pooling from where he had his mitten stuffed in his mouth. Slowly his voice grew hoarse and he went quiet, shuddering intermittently with ragged breaths.

“I hate myself,” He whispered, “I hate myself, I hate myself, I hatemyself I hatemyself, Ihatemyself, IhatemyselfIhatemyselfIhatemyself. I. Hate. Myself.” He hiccupped and grew silent again, the tears having subsided.

Outside the one-room shack, he could see the light beginning to fade into a dull grey-yellow. He had been crying for hours, and it was too late to head back. Sokka felt too numb to care that he would be alone for the night. Maybe if he was lucky there wouldn’t be enough blankets in the hut and he would freeze as he slept. He found himself feeling a strange mix of relief and disappointment as he remembered that he had been the one to supply this shack and had indeed left extra blankets.

Of _course_ this was the _one_ time he did something right.

He sat like that for awhile more, watching as the last shreds of light slipped from the edge of the world, making way for their cousins, the shadows. Eventually he got up, moving to wipe his face before realizing his mitten was slimy and gross. Ew. He took it off and scrubbed his other hand down his face. He was tired, and not just physically.

Sighing, he went to the chest in the corner and pulled out the blankets and the small pack of jerky. He looked at the fireplace before shrugging; He didn’t have anything to start a fire, and he didn’t really care. He could freeze.

He ate the jerky and went outside to scrub the last crusty traces of tears and snot from his face before heading to the small cot in the other corner of the hut and curling up. And staring at the wall. Damn, he should have added art to the walls or something. It was kinda boring, and he couldn’t sleep.

He still couldn’t sleep two hours later when he became aware of a slight shuffling crunch, and then a crash at the door. He slipped out of bed, heart pounding and stomach in his throat, and he pulled out his boomerang.

There was faint cursing, more shuffling, and then the door creaked open. A figure stood there, panting. They were slightly taller than Sokka, and their hair was indistinguishable from their heavy fur coat. They made it halfway into the room before Sokka called out, “Who are you?” his voice still hoarse from his screaming session.

The person stumbled back, throwing up their hands and causing a small flame to appear, startling and blinding Sokka for a second. Zuko.

Zuko peered into the room, “Sokka? Oh thank Agni, it’s you. Where the fuck have you been? Katara was worried sick. _I_ was worried sick.” He shut the door and swiftly pulled Sokka into a hug. Sokka yelped when Zuko’s frozen nose pressed into his neck. 

“Sorry, it was really cold out there,” Zuko’s breath was warm against Sokka’s skin and he shivered for an entirely different reason.

“Yeah,” He coughed, “Yeah, it must have been frigid.”

“So. What do we do now?”

“We could... try to sleep?” Sokka left out the fact that he hadn’t been sleeping when Zuko came in.

“Okay,” Zuko replied. They stood there awkwardly. Zuko shifted his weight, Sokka rubbed the back of his neck.

“So,” Sokka started, “Should I show you the bed?”

“Agni, yes please.” Zuko nodded vigorously, “I’m freezing.” Sokka pointedly ignored the voice in the back of his head that told him the best way to share heat is skin-on-skin contact. That was NOT helpful right now.

And then they were both in the bed, and even though Sokka was lying with his back to Zuko, who lay stiff as a board, staring at the ceiling, he could still hear the chattering of Zuko’s teeth, and feel the shaking of the bed from the shivers. Okay, so maybe body heat would be helpful. For Zuko. Not for any other reason. Just to keep his pal warm. Because they were buddies. And it was completely normal for buddies to lie in the same bed, under the same covers, snuggling shirtless. For warmth.

“Zuko?”

“Yeah Sokka?”

“Skin-to-skin contact is the fastest way to share heat.”

“O-kay?”

“I’m trying to say take off your shirt.” Gods of snow and ice, he was awkward. Sokka cringed inwardly, but he pulled his shirt off as well and shifted a smidgen closer to Zuko.

“If you uh-” Sokka cleared his throat, “If you go on your side I could go behind you and have my arms around you to keep you warm.” He was blushing redder than the most vibrant of Fire Nation clothes, and was grateful Zuko couldn’t see him in the dark.

Zuko wordlessly turned on his side and scooched closer to Sokka, who took a deep breath before placing his arm around Zuko and pulling him against his chest, hoping that his heart wasn’t beating so hard that Zuko would notice against the bare skin of his back.

Which, Sokka realized, was actually really warm and comforting. And then he didn’t notice it anymore because he was asleep, face pressed gently into the back of Zuko’s neck.

~~

Zuko woke up slowly, like the tide going out, and he smiled when he realized how they were laying. Sometime during the night he had turned over and now Sokka had his legs around him, one between his and one on top, and their foreheads were pressed together, causing their noses to be dangerously close to touching, breath gently mingling in the chilly air; the covers only reaching the tops of their shoulders, making them curve towards each other as a tree bends towards the earth; Hungry, yearning, hopeful.

Zuko wanted to kiss him.

But he didn’t. Instead, he shifted forward, just enough that their noses touched, and closed his eyes again, basking in the warmth of Sokka’s touch. Sokka’s grip tightened imperceptibly and then loosened again.

Zuko wondered if Sokka had given thought to the fact that Zuko could use Breath of Fire to keep himself warm(and if he was suspicious or had come up with some rationalization for him being so cold last night), or if he had simply not remembered. Briefly, Zuko felt guilty for letting himself feel freezing in order to cuddle Sokka, but he hadn’t known Sokka would tell him to _take of his shirt_. Plus... Zuko liked the warmth of Sokka’s skin. It was smooth, and its softness comforted Zuko.

Abruptly he heard Sokka’s breathing change, and Sokka stiffened slightly against him. He held completely still, consciously keeping his breath shallow and long. 

“Zuko?” Sokka whispered, miraculously keeping his forehead and nose pressed up against Zuko’s, “Are you awake?”

Zuko didn’t stir.

And then Sokka did the unthinkable. Slowly bringing his hand up from where it had rested on the lower part of Zuko’s hip, Sokka tenderly cupped Zuko’s chin, then he tilted Zuko’s face, just barely, and feathersoft he brushed his lips against the spot where Zuko’s scar met the unblemished skin of his cheek. It was so soft Zuko wondered if he would have missed it if his stomach hadn’t burst into the wings of a thousand butterflies. But no, he wouldn’t have. Because Sokka kissed him again, putting slightly more pressure behind it, and then rolled away.

~~

He kissed Zuko. Holy shit, he kissed Zuko. He _kissed_ Zuko.

YES it was only on the cheek and YES he was asleep, but HOLY FUCK HE KISSED ZUKO.

No time to think (besides that two-second panic), he rolled out of the bed, sucking in a breath as the blankets slid off and the cold air enveloped him.

“What the FUCK, Sokka?!” Zuko’s voice came from behind him and Sokka froze.

 _He wasn’t asleep_.

“It’s fucking _cold_ Sokka, maybe wake someone up with something a little lighter than a full-body assault of c o l d.”

Thank the spirits, it was just the cold that had him yelling.

They quickly grabbed their shirts, and Zuko moved to the fireplace.

“You could have told me we had one of these in here,” He griped at he lit it.

Sokka rolled his eyes, “There’s still some jerky if you want it,” He offered, but Zuko shook his head.

“I’m okay. I do have a question though,” He swung his legs as he sat back on the edge of the bed, waiting for Sokka to turn and face him.

“What’s up?” Sokka turned as he wiggled into his shirt, oomphing when his arm got caught.

“What’s the real reason you didn’t hunt, and you stayed out here?”

Sokka’s mouth went dry.

“I-” He stopped, “I just-” Should he be honest? He couldn't lie to Zuko!! But, did he want to deal with the consequences of honesty?

“Sokka,” Zuko said quietly, “It’s okay. I’ll just listen until you’re done. Okay?” He patted the space on the bed beside him, and after a brief hesitation, Sokka joined him.

“You know when... when you make a mistake, and everyone tries to tell you it’s okay? But, even though everyone says that, you know you screwed-up so bad, and you know you’re a failure and you always screw things up, and maybe you would feel better if they just admitted that you always fuck things up? But even after you know you screw things up, you can’t stop. You can’t stop being fucked-up, and you’re a mistake and everyone else is helpful and essential but you’re just the nonbender who can’t do a fucking thing right, and you just hate yourself. You know?”

He took a breath, “Except, you can’t know, because _you’re_ strong and you managed to fix yourself and be better than you were and you can firebend, and I’m just. Well, I’m just me.” He finished, face gloomy.

All of the feelings of yesterday had come flooding back, and now Sokka was wishing the cold had gotten him. 

“Sokka,” Zuko’s voice was soft and low, calming Sokka down from his spiraling thoughts.

“You wanted me to tell you,” Sokka said, bitterly. Zuko grabbed Sokka’s hands from where they had rested in his lap and made Sokka look at him, not wavering even as he felt Sokka’s gaze trace his scar.

“I did, and I’m glad that you did. Not believing that you’re enough... that’s hard. It’s hard as hell and it’s even harder to open up about it, but you did Sokka, and that’s brave.” Sokka found himself drawn to the earnestness in Zuko’s golden eyes, and he nodded slightly to show he heard Zuko.

“Not that brave,” He mumbled, but Zuko’s grip on his hands tightened and he interrupted.

“No, that was brave Sokka. YOU are brave.” Zuko was silent for a moment, eyes flickering between Sokka’s eyes, then lips, then a place behind his ear before going back to his eyes.

“I wish you could just, _know_ how I see you. Know how wonderful you truly are, but I’m willing to tell you.

“Sokka, you are one of the bravest men I have ever met, and I admire you. You are a fucking genius, you invented air balloons and more!! When you are wrong, you acknowledge it, and you fix it. Sokka, look at me-” he made eye-contact with Sokka again, and Sokka realized that he was rubbing soothing circles onto the knuckles of Sokka’s clenched fists, “- you are so talented?? I don’t even know how you do it? No one thinks youre a fuck-up, and if they did I would personally... _persuade_ them to change their mind.” Sokka didn’t doubt the hard glint in his eye.

“You are one of the greatest warriors I know, and you are my closest friend. Hell, I love you, okay? Don’t for one second doubt that you are worthy of it either, because you are.” Zuko’s cheeks were pink, but his voice was just as earnest as his eyes, and Sokka found himself tearing up.

“Are you sure?” He murmured, “Because I’m still just me.”

“Sokka, I wouldn’t want you to change one bit.”

Maybe it was the soft adoration in Zuko’s gaze, or the way his warm hands still traced gentle patterns into the knuckles of his cold ones, or maybe it was the memory of waking with his forehead pressed against Zuko’s and their legs tangled together, but Sokka leaned closer.

“May I kiss you?” His voice was barely above a whisper.

Zuko swallowed hard, but his voice was just as soft, “Would you? Please Sokka-”

And then their lips were pressed together and it was like the northern lights had made their home behind Sokka’s closed eyelids.

Kissing Zuko felt right in all the ways he had felt wrong, and Sokka knew whose arms he wanted to spend the rest of his life in.


End file.
